We all are going to struggle in this life in many ways and at many times. We often think we are alone and that no one could understand what we are going through. We may even resent people trying to empathize with us, because after all, they aren’t the one facing what we are facing.
But if you are struggling, no matter what it is, or how large it looms in your life, or how small and insignificant it may seem to others, I assure you that it is no small matter to God. He loves you deeply. What concerns you, concerns Him.
I faced a time in my life that seemed to many, rather hopeless. But God is Hope. The Bible tells us “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8 NKJ
Almost everyone in a life-threatening situation at least gives a thought towards God. How many times have you heard someone say…”I don’t know if there is a God and I sure haven’t been one to call on You, but if You are real, I could really use Your help right now…” or another variation of that prayer.
I know for certain if we could see Him and His angels and see the enemy and his angels, well, there would be no need for faith now would there? That was not how God designed this world and His creation to exist. There is a spiritual realm and it is real and we can’t see it with our eyes. To believe in God requires faith. “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1 NIV
My Story
More than 20 years ago, after many years of visiting doctors to see what was wrong with me, ~ because you just know when you don’t feel like you used to ~ I walked into my neurologist’s office and told him I thought that the medication he was giving me was causing some side effects.
I suffered migraines and frequent headaches and he had me on a mild anti-depressant that was supposed to give me a good night’s sleep, which he hoped would alleviate some of my headaches.
He asked me to describe the side effects I was having. I said “well, my hands and feet are kind of tingly and when I bend my head down I get this kind of electric shock that rises from the base to the top of my spine.”
The next thing I know I was lying on my back sliding into the MRI.
Later that evening my doctor called and asked me to get my husband on the phone with me. Of course you know that means there is not going to be good news,
My doctor explained that he couldn’t be absolutely certain but the symptoms along with the MRI was strongly suggesting Multiple Sclerosis. I don’t think I even really knew what that was for sure. I had to be admitted to the hospital for more tests.
I was in my 30s, I had 3 young children and was looking at a very uncertain future.
Over the following year I experienced more different symptoms than I could ever list. They manifested in such a variety of ways and lasted only for a short time. The only things that were always consistant were that my hands and feet were always tingly numb and my fatigue level was extremely high.
MS Was Not Enough
I was sent to a psychiatrist, because at the time it was well documented that anyone with MS, would also suffer from Depression. The doctor gave me two multiple choice tests…long ones. When he got the results he told me “You are off the scale for Depressive Disorder and you are off the scale for Anxiety Disorder.” He then dispensed prescriptions for anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications.
I met with him once a week. It was not what I expected…you know, lay on a couch and talk. No, he sat behind a desk and I sat across from him. He asked some questions and I answered and he wrote.
One thing I remember very clearly was how I was unable to put effort into me. I barely combed my hair. I never put on makeup. My wardrobe consisted of sweat shirt material sweat suits of many colors…I did still have that love of color in me! I’m sure I would have loved to look all put together, at least I think so. But I just did not have the energy beyond caring for my children. I was gaining weight from the medications and that only made my depression even worse.
Drawing Near to God
As I end this part 1, I want to leave you with this.
I loved the Lord. He got a hold of me in a fresh way, perhaps just a year or so before all of this was diagnosed in my life. I knew that no matter what I was facing, He was right there with me. Facing it with me. He knew my future and I knew I would trust Him no matter what my circumstance would be. I believed in my heart that if I would end up in a wheelchair, that God would still use me for His purpose.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:11-12 NIV
What I experienced in that first year of my diagnosis, was learning to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17) because frankly there were times when I needed Him just so I could get out of bed. When pain would shoot through my chest with each breath I took, I was in prayer.
It was also during this time that I was becoming to know that there were people writing music that we could sing in our churches that were not written in the 17 or 1800s. Please note, I love hymns, but I love “a new song” as well!
There are moments in our life that are seared into our memory. You can see yourself and exactly what you were doing and saying. I was becoming familiar with the songwriting of a woman who was making beautiful music that we were singing in our church and found a song that spoke to me so intimately I can’t tell you how often I played it and sang along with it.
Do I Trust You Lord Medley by Twila Paris (click on title to hear song)
What’s in your will? What’s in your plan?
So many times I’m tempted to ask you why.
But I can never forget it for long,
Lord, what you do could not be wrong,
So I believe you, even when I must cry.
Do I trust you Lord? Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, you can read my mind
And You’ve got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the one I love.
Do I trust you Lord? Do I trust you?
Following you, following you.
My Lord, I’m keeping my eyes on you
Following you, following you.
My only goal is keeping you in my sight.
Following you, following you.
My Lord, I’m keeping my eyes on you
Following you, following you,
My Lord.
We will glorify the Lamb.
We will the glorify the Lord of Lords
Who is the great I Am.
Who is the great I Am.
Who is…I will trust you, Lord, when I don’t know why.
I will trust you, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust you, Lord, when I’m blind with pain.
You were God before and you never change.I will trust you.
I will trust you.
I will trust you Lord.I will trust you.
I will trust you.
I will trust you Lord.
Such a beautifully written testimony to His awesome love and faithfulness! While I’m so sorry for your pain, He is using your story to reach others, so thank you so much for sharing!
I just love Twila Paris – I played her song “How Beautiful” at our wedding. Such a beautiful voice! Great job on getting your blog started – it looks great!
Thank you, Christy, for your warm and thoughtful comment. This is just part 1…so I hope you come back for part 2! “Weeping endures for a night, but JOY comes in the morning!”